Honolulu Star-Advertiser © Susan Scott
April 20, 1998
PEOPLE often ask me if I have trouble thinking up things to write about in this column.
“Almost never,” I tell them. “I always have something to say about the ocean.”
Well, almost always. Although it’s rare, sometimes I just can’t zero in on any particular topic. Then, I spend hours gazing at the ocean from my North Shore office and indulging myself in marine writer fantasies.
“Susan, we here at National Geographic were hoping we could interest you in joining our team on a dive trip to the Seychelles. Your writing style is perfect for the article we’re planning. You will? Oh, thank heaven! Book a first-class seat. Here’s our credit card number.”
“After reading your eye-opening articles on seal penises and sea horses, the World Health Organization has decided to fund a series of randomized, double-blinded studies on the efficacy of animal remedies used in traditional Chinese medicine. The results will be published in journals throughout the world.”
“What an inspired way to conserve marine life and promote tourism at the same time, Ms. Scott. As committee chairperson in the Hawaii House of Representatives, I pass this bill to make the waters off Waikiki an underwater park.”
“Dear Susan, Jeff and Beau want to thank you for remembering their father, Lloyd, so fondly. In tribute to him, we’re making a modern ‘Sea Hunt’ movie and plan to film it in Waialua. Could you look over the screenplay for us? We sure could use your help on the set! S. Spielberg.”
“Your recent marine medical book ‘All Stings Considered’ has been awarded the Booker Prize! Yes, this prestigious British award usually goes only to novels and never to Americans, but the judges felt your book was so extraordinary, they made an exception. Cheerio, eh?”
“After reading about the plight of our dwindling Hawaiian monk seals, an anonymous donor from China has given Hawaii’s Monk Seal Recovery Team a research grant for $10 million.”
“The owner of the abandoned gillnet that killed five sea turtles on the North Shore has turned himself in. He feels so terrible about these senseless deaths — he is launching legislation to ban all gillnets in Hawaii.”
“Willy is free.”
“Please accept my apology, Susan, for cursing you at Kaena Point Nature Preserve the day you reminded me that my dog shouldn’t be out there. I never saw those albatross chicks until it was too late! I feel so bad that my dog wen ate ’em that I’m now a volunteer ranger at the park.”
“Susan, we’re sorry we broke into your car so many times at those trailheads. We felt so awful about taking advantage of people out enjoying nature, we are now in the trail-building and -maintenance business. It’s not as lucrative as stealing but more rewarding.”
“Because your guide to Hanauma Bay so enlightened us during our last snorkeling trip there, Hillary, Chelsea and I would like you to accompany us during our upcoming vacation to Hawaii. Aloha, Bill.”
“Dear Susan, Just wanted you to know that since your column has been on the Internet, it sure brightens our Mondays here at Buckingham Palace. And, boy, do we need it. You sure make Hawaii sound great, especially those stories about sponges! Sincerely, Charles.”
“Dear Ms. Scott, Because you’ve been such a loyal customer through the years, we are sending you, as a gift, a laptop computer with a revolutionary 5,000-megahertz chip. This new model is so fast, it will write your columns for you! Go snorkeling. Toshiba.”
“Boy, how time flies, Susan! We editors at the Star-Bulletin didn’t realize you’ve been churning out these columns for 11 whole years now. We’re going to give you a big, fat pay raise.”